Back in action?

Shame om me. I know, big time.

Well I think I am back in action now, I really don't have time to write blogs now. Well time and time, I don't really have any need of writing blogs anymore. I've just lost my will to write, which is really bad in many ways but also good in some ways. In good ways it means that I don't have anything depressive shit on my mind that I have to get rid of, bad things is that I learnt really much from writing bloggs and I practise english as well.
I know that it was ages since I wrote my last blog but still I have nothing at all to write about, lol!

Well okey, the summerbreak is almost here and that means that the school is hell.
I have sooo much to do so right now it feels like the best solution is to just kill myself, then I don't have to deal with all this crap. I don't like getting F:s, it sucks big time I can ensure you.
I have so much to do that I don't even dare to do a what-to-do-before-I-finnish-school-list.
I just don't feel like getting up in the mornings anymore... OMG! Doesn't matter if I'm NOT depressed or if my life is perfect, whenever I "get to it" and write a blog I somehow get to something depressive or bad!
It's this fucking blog that DRAGS the shit out of me, that's it. It's not my life that sucks, it's the blog that makes my life suck.
I see why my life got so much better when I stoped this shit.
Well now I'll not stop just because now I'll just try to ovewin this shit, I can too have a good life and write blogg.
Maybe if I write it in swedish, that might help... how boring, english ftw.

Well the most painful thing right now is that the school and everything comes in the way of me meeting my boyfriend :(
It doesn't feel so good, I met him today for about 20-30mins. For the first time since Monday.
And that clearly breaks my heart since we didn't part that well last time, it was a cold goodbye.

Okey did it again, that I'm so good at. I start writing a blog and then something comes in the way and I forget it and so I have an unfinished blog that I don't know if I should delete or print out, so I continue on it, saying I'm sorry and explaining why I havn't finished it ^^ so typical me, so typical.

Anyways, had the fucking math test today, had my swedish speech and managed through an englishlesson. So right now it feels pretty good, all the heavy shit that I've been depressed about is now over, now I just have to do every other heavy shit that I've left to do before I finish school, *sigh*

Okey I think, for my better good, I should make a list of what I am suppose to have done before I finish school for the summer. But I'll be so fucking depressed so I don't know, but I should, I really should.
Okey, I'll do it. Just so you all will stop nagging me *smile*

  • Argumentative essay
  • Summery of Once we were warriors
  • Abstract
  • Englishtest Tuesday w.22
  • Nationelltest math D (done today)
  • 2 math sums
  • Rewrite a test (no idea if I have to do that anymore)
  • Ecology test
  • Labreport - Energy transforming
  • Lasting developent report
  • Labreport - magnesium
  • Summery of Cemestry A
  • A "summary assignment" of my knowledge
Social sciences
  • Home assignment in socialpolitics
  • Present two countries, one poor and one rich, and explain why that is
  • A "homemade" wordexercise
  • A letter which will reflect our knowledge
  • Rests from Swedish A
And I've prolly forgotten something, or pushed it aside in my brain.
I don't really wanna remember anything of that, but I have to. If not, I can't expect to get anything better then an F.
Lets see, it's what... 2 weeks left of school?

Today I'm just going to do french and maybe socials and then I'm of into the shower so I don't have to shower before school tomorrow.
And after that I have to get in touch with my Guy and hear how I'm going to get my ass over to his place ^^
And I think he had planned for us to watch a movie or something, :) and then I'm going to sleep at his place, niceprice.
Slumberparty, ^^

Anyways I have to end this now and do something important with my life, ^^
I'll try to get better at this bloggy thing, but no promises! haha

Solitude* Vacancy <3
for everything you are
and everything I'm not
you're my sunshine
a, östlund


I'm sorry.
I don't mean to be a bad person.
But I am what I am.

I don't like myself.
I can't handle sadness.
I'm a sick person.
I love you.
I'm sorry.

I missuses the word "I'm sorry" too much..
I'm sorry!

Solitude* Vacancy <3


You know what I hate the most?

The sweater,
that smells exactly like you...

It smells so darn good,
but I can't smell it...
'cause I can't have you.

I hate that you exist,

'cause I can't have you.

I hate your sweater,
'cause it smell just like you.

I hate you,
'cause you're everything I want.

I hate myself,

'cause I'm not anything you want.

I hate the world.

You develop hate.
You're a bad person.
I love you.
Go to hell.

Solitude* Vacancy <3

No title.

For what use should i sleep? I'm just gonna wake up tomorrow, realizing that I have mathtest next week, that you still don't like me, that it's precisly the same life, only a few hours later...
That the world's still, oh so cold, and that my heart is still as sore as it was before I went yo bed.

For what use should I sleep? So that I can wake up tomorrow, realizing that my life is still in ruins?
Why can't I just stay awake all my life? Then I cut away the part where I open my eyes, hoping for a new, better day.
A day I know, will never come.

For what use should I sleep?

"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear"

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand reasons to die...

Solitude* Vacancy <3


Why do I miss you so much now for?
What's so different from like, yesterday? Except that I've been away from you one more day.
Why is it with now that makes me desire you like this?
It so bothers me. Since I can never have you.

It bothers me.

Loving someone isn't the easiest I've done here in life. Hating someone isn't that much easier either, I believe.
But loving you hurts more, so I'm thinking about if I should start hating you.
Just to ease the pain.

Mend this heartache with your hands.
Mend it with your love.
Mend this loveache with your hands.
Mend it with your heart.
Mend my suffering with your soul.
Mend me with yourself <3

Stop being here. It bothers me. Since you're never really here, and I can never have you.

Solitude* Vacancy <3

I would never.

I would never hurt you
I would never make you cry
I would never let you down
'cause I can't see why
I would never stumble
I would never fall
I would never give up hope
If we'd hit a wall
I would never leave you
I would never be at lack
If you only let me love you
and loved me back..

Solitude* Vacancy <3

I miss.

I miss old times when you were the only one in the world who could make me glad. When I was longing to sit by the computer just to talk to you. When you seemed happy everytime I logged in.. When it really felt like you ment it when you said, I love you talk to you. When you called me nicknames and it really felt like we could be. Now it's all in ruins and I miss the times when it all felt good. When I got happy when you wrote "kiss" or a heart 'cause.. it never happened often.. Now I just feels hurt and left out when you Don't... It's sick... How everything can chance so fast. How it can go from "the best" to "the worst" in just some minutes. How words can hurt so much and make you so sad. I don't know where to go from here.. I don't want anything to chance but I can't deny that it'll not.. I can't be like before 'cause you're not like before.. Nothing is like before! I miss "before".. Old times.. The past... I miss... you.. <'3
It's like you're not that guy anymore.. That guy who Liked me.. Or what do I know, maybe you never liked me.. 'Cause how would I know you don't share your feelings.. You don't share your thoughts so how can I know what you think about things.. and people.. about me.... You've said you like me.. Erhm.. okey, you like me.. You know that it's loads of meanings of the word "like".. You can like a relative, you can like a friends, you can like a dog and you can like candy...
Perfect... I can't be perfect since you don't like me like I like you.. you say I'm perfect, you fucking lier.. You say I'm funny and cool and fun to talk to and.. you think I'm perfect.. on the INSIDE.. Well apperently that's not it.. You need someone whose perfect on the outside too.. Whish I'm not.. I wish I were.. I wish I were the one you want me to be.. the one you'd love... Admite it.. you're hurt by the fact that I wasn't as good looking as you'd told yourself.. That's why I never said I were! 'Cause I knew you had to high expectations on me.. on everything.. how it would be, what we would do, how I would be... And apperently I didn't reach that high to furfil those standards... I'm sorry.. I wish I did.. I would do anything to... <'3

I miss to feel like I'm everything you want and need.... <''''3

Solitude* Vacancy <3

Nothing matters.

When everything falls apart and nothing matters.
Who will be there to catch you if you're all alone?

Who will catch me when I fall, when I'm all alone....?

I'll never fall in love again, it's for no use. Just makes you more wounded then you already are...

I love you, I'm sorry <'3

Solitude* Vacancy <3

Hate my brain.

I do not always know what to do.. I do now always know what's right.. Im not a wise person who always makes the right decision, though I wish I were.. I wish I always made the right decision.. always made everything right.. though it's said that you learn from your mistakes... but Im not a person who learns from my mistakes.. Im a person who gets hurt from my mistakes.. Im wounded for life from all the mistakes I've done so far in my life so now Im to afraid to get another scar that I dont know what to do...

It's hard to know what to do when I dont know what you feel, what you think, how you discuss.. Im not a mindreader and I have no idea what you think.. it would be really great if I were since then I wouldnt mind if you kept it all to yourself... I like you exactly how you are.. everything about you. It's like it's said in fairytales and shit, it's the faults that makes a person and it's the faults you love and it's them you'll miss if you leave a person.. you love a person for his flaws. I love you for your flaws.. I dont like everything about you, I seriously dont.. But I know that I wouldnt wanna live without them, I already miss everything you did that I disliked.. I miss it.. I miss everytime you did something that upset me.. I want to live with it, I want it around me all the time.. 'cause you know what babes, you make me complete.. you make me feel whole.. when Im with you it feels like I dont need anything else, like nothing else matters.. and it feels nice... I always feel worthless and unimportent.. You make me feel good about myself.. it was like I could be myself around you 'cause that's who I am and that's what I should show...

You dont like me like I like you... you dont feel like I do and you dont miss me like I miss you.. it should bother me.. it should.. it should make me sad since.. if you love someone you want them to love you back just as much if not more.. well of course I want you to love me back but what can I do.. I have no power in that appartment....

you're ashamed of me, admite it.. you'll never come to that state where you will have the courage to show people that you like me since you're one of those persons who care what your friends think of you.. even if you say you dont care, you're not that person that could fall in love with a ugly girl and show her of to your friends.. 'cause what would they think.. if you came around with an ugly chick, she's nothing to show around.. she's not a girl you can take with you and be like.. proud of... I want a guy that doesnt care what people think and that love me for who I am and doesnt need time to think everything over.. I need a guy that already knows what he wants and that can take me out and show me for the world like, look at this girl.. this is my girlfriend. She's all mine and you cant have her 'cause she's my world and I wouldnt trade her for anything... 'cause she's my everything......

you're an isolated person.. I cant take isolated persons.. they shut you out.. I cant take it when people shut you out. I dont like to not be in someones brain.. I dont like to not know what people think and how they reflect about things.. 'cause, hey, like I said... how much I'll always wish for it... I'll never be a mindreader.. I'll never know exactly what people think before they say it.. you can always have a clue.. but you'll never know for sure.. so, as long as Im not "supernatural".. you'll have to tell me what you feel.. orelse I'll never know it.. and if you'll never let me know what you feel... I cant take this.. I cant handle isolation... it's the only flaw I can not take.

I know what to do.. I always know what to do.... I help people. I always help people.. I know whats right and whats wrong.. I DO know what to do in what situation.... I know what to do in this.. but it's just that.. I cant do it.. I know what I would've said to a friend or any person at all in this situation.. I know exactly what they should do. But it's just that.. I cant do it. I cant do what I know I should do. I cant say what I know I should say... I dunno, maybe Im too cowardly. Im afraid of the consequences... I think to much. I do not deal in chances.. Since Im to afraid of getting hurt.. making a bigger wound.. 'cause I know how pain feels, I know how much it hurts.. and I know that I dont wanna go there once again..

I know what to say

I know what to do

I so wanna say it

but I cant say it to you

I love you more then you let me..

Solitude* Vacancy <3

Missing you.

Okey.. now it's gon 5 days since I last saw you... it hurts.. <'3 *cry* Well.. it's jus sumthin I have to deal with.. That's life, so aspeak... Dont think you miss me as much as I miss you.. but hey, what can I do.. you can miss whoever you want, how much or less you like.. I have nothing to do with that.. I dont care, I still miss you like crazy <3
Feels wierd to be alone now whn I jus had you right nxt to me a couple of days ago.. feels so wierd. It's like I've always had you right nxt to me n now we're apart for the first time.. ;S Oh jesus crist, I spent WAAY to much time on thinking...

Anyhow, I've had a gd day 2daz... had french n actually (!!!) studdied for the test nxt week.. I've finally come to my sence n figured I have to try a little harder in school ;D Oh, I can rly feel how bad my english is right now.. but I dont rly care, I'll prolly change it later whn I read it sum time n I realise how fuckin bad im at english XD lmao.. anyways.. went on sum sexual education crap aswell.. tho we were not s'pose to be there, since we went last year.. but hey, our teacher said it n so I missed mortezas lesson so.. Im not complaining XD höhö höhö
Lent a englishbook on my englishlesson 2daz.. it rly screams Marlene XD Sofia jus saw it on the bookshelve n like, You should borrow this one! n I read on it n I jus like, Woooow! Im borrowin this one :D n she jus, I knew you would, it's a Marlene-book ;P

Im gon write the first page in it so that you can see why I chose it, höhö ;D

I open the box.
Inside it is softness and steel. Tissues and blades.
I carefully remove a blade and lay it on one side. Then I take
out six tissues and place them by my arm, ready.
I strech out my left arm, examining it for a spare patch of skin.
A patch not already marked by scars.
Then I pick up th eblade.
In this moment, I am calm. I know what to do. The over-
whelming feelings are suspended.
I draw the blade across my arm. Blood springs to the surface.
I sit back, watching the blood run down my arm before reach-
ing for the tissues to prevent the blood from staining my
I dab at the wound, tenderly, caringly.
I feel so much better.

I know that tomorrow I will feel stupid. I will look at my arm
and fel so disappointed in myself. I have let everyone down

I don't do this because I like it.
I do it because I don't know what else to do.

I know, im sry, Im a depressive person ^^ But I cant help it.. i like these kind of things.. not that I cut myself and so.. but.. It'll prolly come to that sum time... höhö ;P
Oh no, this is wrong.. now I have to get out of this thinking XD höhö höhö

Now it's winter <3 me looooves it!! <3<3
Took sum winter pictures with Andreas 2daz :) they got kinda nice.. tho I shake waaaay 2 much.. I have to get more steady on the hand ;P (I have noooo idea if you even can say so but.. slight guess XD)

Well.. I need more snow n so a guy with a snowscooter.. n THN im happy XD höhöhö

Or I jus need Joakim to come here... That's even better <3


It's dads birthday 2daz :D turning 40, höhö <3

Happy Birthday dads, I'll always love you <3<3<3


Solitude* Vacancy <3

The best thing.

im sry, im sry, im sry, im sry, im soo sry.. seriously.. I've lost my writing ability again! I dunno.. it's like I dont have anything to write anymore.. my life is good for once so I dont need a place to let my feelings out.. XD höhö höhö.. well the funny thing is that it's fucking true ^^ I rly like my life for once like.. lols..
Anyways.. been upto ALOT since last time I wrote, since it was like ages ago n ofc it happens alot of things thn.. well well, first of all this bout Joakim coming here.. wasnt that gd.. it was perfectly planned until we got to the point where he couldnt come!.. fucking shit.. seriously you know how MUCH I'd been longing for him to come here like! it was like I could jus go n fucking shoot myself.. since I had nothing more to live for, my life was ruined... until that day whn Andreas saved my life.. <3 I came up with the great idea that I could go to Joakim..! So I talked to mum but she wouldnt let me go.. n so Andreas told me that HE could come! N so I could go :D n I was so fucking happy! an entire week at Joakims .. <3 What more could I long for........... well....... nothing ^^
Anyways.. the days went on n I was the luckiest girl ever.. until... I went to Andreas one day n was gon hang out n do like nohing.. n so he resieves an txt from this girl he's s'pose to stay with whn we went down.. n apperently she was gon go away for the weekend!!!! FUCKING CRAP! No1.. serisouly, NO ONE!, can understand how fucking ruined I was... If it felt bad whn Joakim couldnt come here.. this was NOTHING compare to that.. it was like hell went loose.. I jus got in a very bad mood n finally I jus had to go home since I couldnt handle it all.. n whn I came home it jus burst .. I couldnt stop crying.. I cried n cried for like hours.. I couldnt sleep bcs I couldnt stop crying.. I couldnt stop thinking bout how much god must hate me! I was so hurt n sad n angry n everything at the same time!.. Oh god, there's no word in the entire world that could describe it..
I went to a doctor nxt day, to look up my knee, since there's apperently sumthing wrong with it, n so I went to school.. totally despressed.. had a physics test n like.. yeah, lived my depressing life as it was.. until mum wrote me an txt telling me that she couldnt manage to see me this down n depressed.. n that she was gon talk to dad bout this n convince him to let me go...
So.. 23/10 was the best day ever.. mum n dad had been talking n so they ordered tickets for me to Guthenborg from 27/10 - 03/11 <3<3 There's no word in the world, either, that could describe that happiness like... it was the best thing ever.. <3

So the 27th I took the bus to Vännäs and took the train from there to Guthenborg.. and at 8 the following day.. I got my first hug ever from Joakim... <3

"I had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you..." is the song right.. and hunny, it's so true.. <3

I miss you alrdy <'3

*whispers* I love you....

Solitude* Vacancy <3

Too in love to funktion.

Okey.. guess this is it.... another day. I hate Tusedays... well aye, I hate almost every day except from Saturdays, Fridays n Wednesdays...
Im tired.. Im warm.. Im in a bad mood n I cant take this....

What's this? What's fucking upto this?
I have no idea what you think right now or if you're mad at me or wtf.. I have no idea if you're ever gonna write to me or if you're just not ever gonna talk to me again... But hunny, serously, I just can't take it when you say like that! FFS, will you ever believe that I love you? I don't know what to do, since no matter what, you always doubt it. It might was a big mistake to let you read my blog, since you can't let go of what I've written. Babe... it's like this, you have to read it ALL, well you might read it all but you only remember the bad things I've written. You never remember the things I write at the bottom of ever one of those bad blogs... I always finish with that I can't live without you! I can't hunny, and no matter how many times I'll write that I maybe wish I never met you, I don't mean it. Of course I don't mean it. I have my bad days hunny, everyone has. I only wish I never'd met you when we argue or something. I sometimes catshes myself with writing it and I just stop and wonder, wtf I'm doing, I don't want you out of my life, I love you.
So, Joakim Martin Carlsson Lauridsen, I never ever want you out of my life. Because the day you leave my life, and never returns, that day I'll never live again. I can't live my life without knowing that I can call you and hear your voice for no peculair reason. I can't live without knowing that no matter what, I'll always have you to go to. I can't live without knowing that no matter how sad I get, I'll always have you to cheer me up, because babe, you always cheer me up <3
Now I don't know what else to write since I don't really know what else I feel. I just gonna pray to God and hope that I'll see you w.44. And pray that I'll hear from you before that. I'm sorry for everything I've ever done you bad, but one thing that you should always have in mind is; No matter what I say or what I do... Don't ever question my love for you, because it'll never change. I always want you here < '3

I'm just too in love to funktion.

Solitude * Vacancy <3


Okey.. I have "Mrrraow" on my brain.. i walk round sayin it all the time.. it kinda bothers me but, hey.. Im fucked up XD
Had a blast 2night actually... ;D Had groupfight in the basement , in the dark, in a bed XD

¤ Kim ¤ Björn ¤ Gurra ¤ Robban ¤ Emil ¤ Joel ¤ CF ¤ Henke ¤ ( Brother ) ¤


it was rllllly fun.. well mebe not whn Kim, Joel n CF tickled me to death XD hahaha they held me n Kim the fucker found out where Im the mot tickley ;D Almost couldnt breath XD but okey.. it was fun :$ .... until mum opened the door n ruined everything. . . -.-' Well hey.. it was fun later on as well :)
They teached me how to play WOW, STUPID! Got all stuck, n now I wanna play moooore *puppy eyes* Fucking guys... they suck. I didnt wanna get addicted of WOW as well! *sigh* aye, well now I am.. but hopefully I'll get over it... ;D


I SO cant take you! I dunno.. you're such a WHORE! I cant see how every1 can like you.. it's like.. AH! I jus wanna PUKE at you... you're jus one of those ppl that you HATE for no special reason. I JUS HATE YOU.
The way you walk, the way you talk, the way you act, the way you look, the way you do you hair, the way you do your makeup, the way you live n the way YOU'RE A FUCKIN CUNT!
Well okey.. we're kinda like you n me except that I DONT CUDDLE N FUCKIN SLEEP WITH THE GUYS IM WITH. I can actually spend TIME with guys without bein a bitch n giggle n smile like you were 13...
I so hate girls.. they're so false n if they're not false, they're jus TOO MUCH! Jus like you... I dont like the way you're on every guy n it doesnt seems to Bother you at all!
I hate the fact that you're in this house right now.. the fact that you're gon sleep here 2night.. prolly in the same bed as 4 guys...
Y O U A R E A S L U T !! A n d I h a t e y o u !


Why does it feels like you're mad at me?
Do you have a reason to be mad at me?
... in that case, what have I done?
Anyways, I didnt mean it... < '3

I LOVE YOU, yes, for real. And I'm totally sure <3<3<3<3

Solitude * Vacancy <3


Well I guess this is Happy Birthday thn.. he's goind 15 n he got a fucking moped ! . . spoiled kid..
He's have LAN here 2daz.. so I RLY dont feel like bein at home.. longing for mum to end work so that we can buy me money to my phone since it feels like Im totally outsider whn I haev no money on my phone.. oh gee, im so patetic..
Anyways.. I'll prolly not do anything 2daz, as usual, n so I'll have to stay hom eall night n I'll get totally B-O-R-E-D.
An old classmate's here in town this weekend.. I so not like her since she's jus.. well, SHE A GIRL. What more can I say.. I dont like girls.. so I cant call Ante 2daz either cuz they'll prolly be with eachother all weekend.. I think that Manda've gon home this weekend.. seriously, I have no friends! -.-'

well okey.. now I've been baking... it is pretty fun :) tho I feel even more fat thn I felt b4.. birthdays suck since you jus eat yourself more fat.. -.-'

Jus see how fat I am.. this is he proof... n aye, thn the moped is my brothers n I made a new bracelet yesterday.. Im so EMO ;D tho I remade it like several of times since I spelled EMO, EO first.. n second time I wrote the M upsidedown... -.-' Jus wasnt my day yesterday..

Well anyways, I've got money on my phone now n it's all gd... Jus gon try n find sumthin to do 2daz... wonder what that'll be...

It beats for you, for your life only.
Who came to me, when I were lonely.
With a beat so powerful, so be aware.
A powerful beat, of loving and care.
Since nothing at all can stop it's beat,
just face the fact and take a seat.
Face it that it let you in.
Face it that you'll never win.
It'll beat for you forever and ever.
Even if we're not together.

< '3

Solitude * Vacancy <3


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