Sorry.
I don't mean to be a bad person.
But I am what I am.
I don't like myself.
I can't handle sadness.
I'm a sick person.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
I missuses the word "I'm sorry" too much..
I'm sorry!
Solitude* Vacancy <3
Hate.
The sweater,
that smells exactly like you...
but I can't smell it...
'cause I can't have you.
I hate that you exist,
'cause I can't have you.
I hate your sweater,
'cause it smell just like you.
I hate you,
'cause you're everything I want.
I hate myself,
'cause I'm not anything you want.
I hate the world.
You develop hate.
You're a bad person.
I love you.
Go to hell.
Solitude* Vacancy <3
No title.
That the world's still, oh so cold, and that my heart is still as sore as it was before I went yo bed.
For what use should I sleep? So that I can wake up tomorrow, realizing that my life is still in ruins?
Why can't I just stay awake all my life? Then I cut away the part where I open my eyes, hoping for a new, better day.
A day I know, will never come.
For what use should I sleep?
"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear"
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand reasons to die...
Solitude* Vacancy <3
WTF.
What's so different from like, yesterday? Except that I've been away from you one more day.
Why is it with now that makes me desire you like this?
It so bothers me. Since I can never have you.
It bothers me.
Loving someone isn't the easiest I've done here in life. Hating someone isn't that much easier either, I believe.
But loving you hurts more, so I'm thinking about if I should start hating you.
Just to ease the pain.
Mend this heartache with your hands.
Mend it with your love.
Mend this loveache with your hands.
Mend it with your heart.
Mend my suffering with your soul.
Mend me with yourself <3
Stop being here. It bothers me. Since you're never really here, and I can never have you.
Solitude* Vacancy <3
I would never.
I would never make you cry
I would never stumble
I would never fall
I would never give up hope
If we'd hit a wall
I would never leave you
I would never be at lack
If you only let me love you
and loved me back..
Solitude* Vacancy <3
I miss.
It's like you're not that guy anymore.. That guy who Liked me.. Or what do I know, maybe you never liked me.. 'Cause how would I know you don't share your feelings.. You don't share your thoughts so how can I know what you think about things.. and people.. about me.... You've said you like me.. Erhm.. okey, you like me.. You know that it's loads of meanings of the word "like".. You can like a relative, you can like a friends, you can like a dog and you can like candy...
Perfect... I can't be perfect since you don't like me like I like you.. you say I'm perfect, you fucking lier.. You say I'm funny and cool and fun to talk to and.. you think I'm perfect.. on the INSIDE.. Well apperently that's not it.. You need someone whose perfect on the outside too.. Whish I'm not.. I wish I were.. I wish I were the one you want me to be.. the one you'd love... Admite it.. you're hurt by the fact that I wasn't as good looking as you'd told yourself.. That's why I never said I were! 'Cause I knew you had to high expectations on me.. on everything.. how it would be, what we would do, how I would be... And apperently I didn't reach that high to furfil those standards... I'm sorry.. I wish I did.. I would do anything to... <'3
I miss to feel like I'm everything you want and need.... <''''3
Solitude* Vacancy <3
Nothing matters.
Who will be there to catch you if you're all alone?
Who will catch me when I fall, when I'm all alone....?
I love you, I'm sorry <'3
Solitude* Vacancy <3
Hate my brain.
I do not always know what to do.. I do now always know what's right.. Im not a wise person who always makes the right decision, though I wish I were.. I wish I always made the right decision.. always made everything right.. though it's said that you learn from your mistakes... but Im not a person who learns from my mistakes.. Im a person who gets hurt from my mistakes.. Im wounded for life from all the mistakes I've done so far in my life so now Im to afraid to get another scar that I dont know what to do...
It's hard to know what to do when I dont know what you feel, what you think, how you discuss.. Im not a mindreader and I have no idea what you think.. it would be really great if I were since then I wouldnt mind if you kept it all to yourself... I like you exactly how you are.. everything about you. It's like it's said in fairytales and shit, it's the faults that makes a person and it's the faults you love and it's them you'll miss if you leave a person.. you love a person for his flaws. I love you for your flaws.. I dont like everything about you, I seriously dont.. But I know that I wouldnt wanna live without them, I already miss everything you did that I disliked.. I miss it.. I miss everytime you did something that upset me.. I want to live with it, I want it around me all the time.. 'cause you know what babes, you make me complete.. you make me feel whole.. when Im with you it feels like I dont need anything else, like nothing else matters.. and it feels nice... I always feel worthless and unimportent.. You make me feel good about myself.. it was like I could be myself around you 'cause that's who I am and that's what I should show...
You dont like me like I like you... you dont feel like I do and you dont miss me like I miss you.. it should bother me.. it should.. it should make me sad since.. if you love someone you want them to love you back just as much if not more.. well of course I want you to love me back but what can I do.. I have no power in that appartment....
you're ashamed of me, admite it.. you'll never come to that state where you will have the courage to show people that you like me since you're one of those persons who care what your friends think of you.. even if you say you dont care, you're not that person that could fall in love with a ugly girl and show her of to your friends.. 'cause what would they think.. if you came around with an ugly chick, she's nothing to show around.. she's not a girl you can take with you and be like.. proud of... I want a guy that doesnt care what people think and that love me for who I am and doesnt need time to think everything over.. I need a guy that already knows what he wants and that can take me out and show me for the world like, look at this girl.. this is my girlfriend. She's all mine and you cant have her 'cause she's my world and I wouldnt trade her for anything... 'cause she's my everything......
you're an isolated person.. I cant take isolated persons.. they shut you out.. I cant take it when people shut you out. I dont like to not be in someones brain.. I dont like to not know what people think and how they reflect about things.. 'cause, hey, like I said... how much I'll always wish for it... I'll never be a mindreader.. I'll never know exactly what people think before they say it.. you can always have a clue.. but you'll never know for sure.. so, as long as Im not "supernatural".. you'll have to tell me what you feel.. orelse I'll never know it.. and if you'll never let me know what you feel... I cant take this.. I cant handle isolation... it's the only flaw I can not take.
I know what to do.. I always know what to do.... I help people. I always help people.. I know whats right and whats wrong.. I DO know what to do in what situation.... I know what to do in this.. but it's just that.. I cant do it.. I know what I would've said to a friend or any person at all in this situation.. I know exactly what they should do. But it's just that.. I cant do it. I cant do what I know I should do. I cant say what I know I should say... I dunno, maybe Im too cowardly. Im afraid of the consequences... I think to much. I do not deal in chances.. Since Im to afraid of getting hurt.. making a bigger wound.. 'cause I know how pain feels, I know how much it hurts.. and I know that I dont wanna go there once again..
I know what to say
I know what to do
I so wanna say it
but I cant say it to you
Solitude* Vacancy <3
Missing you.
Feels wierd to be alone now whn I jus had you right nxt to me a couple of days ago.. feels so wierd. It's like I've always had you right nxt to me n now we're apart for the first time.. ;S Oh jesus crist, I spent WAAY to much time on thinking...
Anyhow, I've had a gd day 2daz... had french n actually (!!!) studdied for the test nxt week.. I've finally come to my sence n figured I have to try a little harder in school ;D Oh, I can rly feel how bad my english is right now.. but I dont rly care, I'll prolly change it later whn I read it sum time n I realise how fuckin bad im at english XD lmao.. anyways.. went on sum sexual education crap aswell.. tho we were not s'pose to be there, since we went last year.. but hey, our teacher said it n so I missed mortezas lesson so.. Im not complaining XD höhö höhö
Lent a englishbook on my englishlesson 2daz.. it rly screams Marlene XD Sofia jus saw it on the bookshelve n like, You should borrow this one! n I read on it n I jus like, Woooow! Im borrowin this one :D n she jus, I knew you would, it's a Marlene-book ;P
Im gon write the first page in it so that you can see why I chose it, höhö ;D
I open the box.
Inside it is softness and steel. Tissues and blades.
I carefully remove a blade and lay it on one side. Then I take
out six tissues and place them by my arm, ready.
I strech out my left arm, examining it for a spare patch of skin.
A patch not already marked by scars.
Then I pick up th eblade.
In this moment, I am calm. I know what to do. The over-
whelming feelings are suspended.
I draw the blade across my arm. Blood springs to the surface.
I sit back, watching the blood run down my arm before reach-
ing for the tissues to prevent the blood from staining my
clothes.
I dab at the wound, tenderly, caringly.
I feel so much better.
I know that tomorrow I will feel stupid. I will look at my arm
and fel so disappointed in myself. I have let everyone down
again.
I don't do this because I like it.
I do it because I don't know what else to do.
I know, im sry, Im a depressive person ^^ But I cant help it.. i like these kind of things.. not that I cut myself and so.. but.. It'll prolly come to that sum time... höhö ;P
Oh no, this is wrong.. now I have to get out of this thinking XD höhö höhö
Now it's winter <3 me looooves it!! <3<3
Took sum winter pictures with Andreas 2daz :) they got kinda nice.. tho I shake waaaay 2 much.. I have to get more steady on the hand ;P (I have noooo idea if you even can say so but.. slight guess XD)
Well.. I need more snow n so a guy with a snowscooter.. n THN im happy XD höhöhö
Or I jus need Joakim to come here... That's even better <3
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's dads birthday 2daz :D turning 40, höhö <3
Happy Birthday dads, I'll always love you <3<3<3
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Solitude* Vacancy <3
The best thing.
Anyways.. been upto ALOT since last time I wrote, since it was like ages ago n ofc it happens alot of things thn.. well well, first of all this bout Joakim coming here.. wasnt that gd.. it was perfectly planned until we got to the point where he couldnt come!.. fucking shit.. seriously you know how MUCH I'd been longing for him to come here like! it was like I could jus go n fucking shoot myself.. since I had nothing more to live for, my life was ruined... until that day whn Andreas saved my life.. <3 I came up with the great idea that I could go to Joakim..! So I talked to mum but she wouldnt let me go.. n so Andreas told me that HE could come! N so I could go :D n I was so fucking happy! an entire week at Joakims .. <3 What more could I long for........... well....... nothing ^^
Anyways.. the days went on n I was the luckiest girl ever.. until... I went to Andreas one day n was gon hang out n do like nohing.. n so he resieves an txt from this girl he's s'pose to stay with whn we went down.. n apperently she was gon go away for the weekend!!!! FUCKING CRAP! No1.. serisouly, NO ONE!, can understand how fucking ruined I was... If it felt bad whn Joakim couldnt come here.. this was NOTHING compare to that.. it was like hell went loose.. I jus got in a very bad mood n finally I jus had to go home since I couldnt handle it all.. n whn I came home it jus burst .. I couldnt stop crying.. I cried n cried for like hours.. I couldnt sleep bcs I couldnt stop crying.. I couldnt stop thinking bout how much god must hate me! I was so hurt n sad n angry n everything at the same time!.. Oh god, there's no word in the entire world that could describe it..
I went to a doctor nxt day, to look up my knee, since there's apperently sumthing wrong with it, n so I went to school.. totally despressed.. had a physics test n like.. yeah, lived my depressing life as it was.. until mum wrote me an txt telling me that she couldnt manage to see me this down n depressed.. n that she was gon talk to dad bout this n convince him to let me go...
So.. 23/10 was the best day ever.. mum n dad had been talking n so they ordered tickets for me to Guthenborg from 27/10 - 03/11 <3<3 There's no word in the world, either, that could describe that happiness like... it was the best thing ever.. <3
So the 27th I took the bus to Vännäs and took the train from there to Guthenborg.. and at 8 the following day.. I got my first hug ever from Joakim... <3
"I had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you..." is the song right.. and hunny, it's so true.. <3
I miss you alrdy <'3
Solitude* Vacancy <3
